Marriage would seem wonderfully endearing to the single particular person who has never married, and perhaps to the divorced particular person who hankers for some thing to arrest their longing for companionship or sexual release, but marriage for nearly all of us is really a tough perform at times. (And I can say this even as a representative of my wife!). We carry so much of ourselves into our marriages – which is both a very good and a negative thing.
We bring in expectations of being ‘met’ by our partners: that they will satisfy us sexually, not invest too much income, not look for to handle us, that they will want to spend time with us. We also bring in expectations of what our partners must carry to us: their virtues of diligence and moderation and sanctity and kindness – to title just four. We are disappointed when they don’t measure up to our previously unconscious expectations – that have now grow to be conscious due to our encroaching annoyance.
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Another way a good counselor can help a couple is by helping them improve their conflict resolution skills, which is just a fancy way of saying learning to get along, even when you disagree.When two people live together for any length of time, there’s bound to be some conflict.
When conflicts or problems are making the marriage difficult, couples should not ignore this situation because things may get worse if the issues are not handled properly. A successful marriage needs a lot of work and couples should know the best ways of overcoming marriage problems. Here are some tips in solving marriage conflicts.
Take some things personally. Sometimes you do need to hear what your spouse has to say. Don’t ignore important feedback your spouse is giving you. Honor Your Commitment – For the majority of us, when we got married, we took vows that said we would stay together through thick and thin, good times and bad, sickness and health, for richer or poorer….and we meant them.
If you can learn to do this, you will find that you don’t get upset or angry near as often. Let your spouse be who they are. It doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you. So step back, and let things go. Not everything is a personal attack on you.
And, very importantly, must do it in a respectful way. In premarital counseling, I often say to couples, if something is bothering you in your marriage, you need to say something about it to your mate. Go ahead and complain. When you do, you’re being honest with your mate.
This is a great first step in getting back to where you want to be. Each moment spent focusing on positive feelings, experiences and desires is one moment not spent focused on negative feelings and emotions. Find anything in your world to begin shifting your focus. Over time it begins to feel more natural and will occur more regularly.
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Positive attitude. If you are feeling frustrated about how things are going in your marriage, it is important to have a positive attitude. Overcoming marriage problems is easier if you have a positive attitude.
But marriage lasts too long, the encounters become constant, and in close quarters for anyone to sustain a public persona. Personalities eventually give way to an INNER SELF which is much deeper and stronger.
When these expectations are brought to light, be willing to CHANGE yourself for the sake of your marriage. When you change, your spouse will change, too. That is the surest way to save your marriage.
What are the root causes of conflicts, tensions, arguments, misunderstandings, fights and the like between couples? Whatever causes you can think of, they all boil down to only one thing – Unfulfilled Expectations. Why do I say that? Let me explain.
In-laws, Couples, particularly younger couples, often encounter strife because one spouse’s parents insist on meddling in their marital lives. Many people feel torn between defending their spouse or the family members who have been there for them their entire lives. Being unable to find a balance between the two can break up a relationship over time. (This was the experience in my own upbringing, and my parents divorced over it.
The Old Brain and Danger, When the Old Brain perceives risk or danger, pain or frustration, it knows how to do five general strategies. The Old Brain knows how to hide. How do you hide in relationships?.
Speak about what actually happened, who did what, what was said by whom and when, how you felt when it happened and how your partner’s words or actions affected you.
Why does marriage counseling work for some couples, and not for others? One of the main reasons that some relationships don’t benefit from professional help is that the couple waited too long to seek help.
The difference is often that in good marriages the couples have found ways to successfully work through their conflicts, while for one reason or another the bad marriages haven’t. It’s sad to me to see a couple enter into a conflict, be unable to resolve it and then decide to bail on the marriage. It’s sad because if the couple were able to work through the issue, I know that they could be stronger than before the conflict.
As there are various causes, events, deeds or situations that can lead to marital conflicts so are there various ways, methods, tips and strategies to resolve them. Depending on the nature of the cause of the marriage conflict, you will get a strategy that best suits it as regards its proper and appropriate resolution.
Balthasar Gracian wrote in his 17th century manual on success, The Art of Worldly Wisdom, as follows: “You are as much a real person as you are deep. As with the depths of a diamond, the interior is twice as important as the surface. There are people who are all facade, like a house left unfinished when the funds run out. They have the entrance of a palace but the inner rooms of a cottage.”
The Old Brain knows how to run. How do you run in a relationship? Literally leave the house, go for a drive, separate, work later and later at the office. The Old Brain knows how to “freeze.”The twig snaps in the forest and the deer freezes. Have you ever come home and sensed that something was amiss and you were in trouble and froze. That is, decide to say nothing or do nothing until you can assess the danger.
Unresolved conflict issues in a marriage are the highest, single most damaging cause of divorce. And the truth is that there is no conflict resolution without character. When all is said and done, the person you met is not the person he/she becomes through the years. Very often crisis in a marriage simply displays the character of the people who are married.
Practice ahead of time using “I” words as opposed to “you” words. Avoid “you” words as it will always come across as accusatory. Using “I” statements demonstrates your ability to take personal responsibility for your own actions and words.
They can’t figure out what to do differently. Most of the time people don’t know how to successfully communicate and productively solve problems together. This is one reason why 75% of all new marriages end up either in separation or divorce, or unhappily staying wed.
The Old Brain knows how to mate. The sexual response occurs primarily in a place of safety. The Old Brain knows how to play. The Old Brain knows how to nurture and be affectionate. The Old Brain knows how to work and be creative. The Old Brain knows how to sleep and rest and relax. Every week hundreds of couples go into a therapist’s office and share some version of the following.