Marriage appears wonderfully endearing to the single particular person who has never ever married, and probably to the divorced person who hankers for some thing to arrest their longing for companionship or sexual release, but marriage for practically all of us is quite a tough perform at occasions. (And I can say this even as a representative of my wife!). We carry so a lot of ourselves into our marriages – which is both a great and a negative thing.
We bring in expectations of being ‘met’ by our partners: that they will satisfy us sexually, not spend also considerably cash, not seek out to manage us, that they will want to commit time with us. We also carry in expectations of what our partners should deliver to us: their virtues of diligence and moderation and sanctity and kindness – to title just 4. We are disappointed when they don’t measure up to our previously unconscious expectations – that have now turn into conscious due to our encroaching annoyance.
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Capitulation, “Let’s try it your way.” – An experienced and wise spouse, I can hear it now. “But isn’t capitulation just giving in and being codependent with someone?” It can be, if done on a regular basis over time.
A fact that has become obvious is that society doesn’t value marriage very much anymore. This is due to the media world that puts divorced people in front of us each and every day. People who are trying to stay together and fight their issues are sometimes seen as weak or scared to face the world on their own. Women or even men who are trying to forgive their unfaithful spouse are often told that they should leave the marriage rather they try reconciliation.
“You can’t, you might as well give up now!”, remember, keep asking yourself empowering questions, and if you find yourself asking dis-empowering questions, make it a habit to ask three empowering questions in return and in no time, you’ll be setting yourself for success.
Another step you can take is to always find a way to resolve your conflicts. If you and your spouse allow yourselves to get affected by your fights and don’t talk it out to settle the issues, there’s a possibility that you will end up avoiding each other leading to estrangement. You don’t want that to happen, would you? So make a commitment together with your partner to solve your problems as soon as possible.
For whatever reasons, he’s not as attentive to her as he used to be. She’s hurt, and rightly so. What should she do? If she just holds it in and never says anything, over a period time it can lead to resentment and bitterness.
Love is an action, as in something you do. It is not a feeling. Feelings come and go, but your actions need to remain steady. Therefore, no matter what, even if you are angry, work on being kind and loving.
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Here’s an example. Suppose I asked my husband to stop at the grocery store on his way home from work to pick up a few groceries. He forgets! I greet him at the door and discover him empty-handed. If fighting were my typical response, I would nag him about forgetting and accuse him of not caring about me. This would be a verbal attack, which is just one way of fighting. This is PEACE BREAKING.
Speak about what actually happened, who did what, what was said by whom and when, how you felt when it happened and how your partner’s words or actions affected you.
If you see that you yourself have made mistakes, correct them, and tell your partner of your new commitment to the relationship. Compromise, “A compromise would surely help the situation.” – 10CC, Compromise is clearly the optimal solution to conflict.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. You can turn things around. If I could do it, so can you. A year ago I was miserable shadow of human being. Endless conflicts in my relationship were bringing me down, my self-esteem was at its lowest and I was constantly in the bad mood.
This is required when both the partners feel strongly that they are no longer able to proceed with the relation. Though people still want to keep meeting and save the relation; in most cases they do not know how to do it.
If the problem in their relationship has gone on so long that one or both partners has totally given up and has their minds set on divorce, there’s a pretty good chance that no therapist will be able to help that relationship.
Remain Steady and Strong Throughout Your Marital Ordeal. Is your relationship consultant overlooking the fact that your human nature remains subject to a little thing called “feelings?” Being rejected, hurt, misunderstood, cheated upon, or in virtually any other way, let down by your spouse remains one of the absolutely most jarring emotional experiences one can imagine.
Along with the right mindset, you also need to be doing the right things, so, if you’re not sure about what you are doing, consider stepping back and reflecting upon your intended actions, and possibly ask yourself (again empowering questions): “Will this serve my marriage? Will it increase my chances of success?” if the answer is no, then maybe consider an alternate action.
Words such as, “I felt foolish when you said those things about me in front of your friends!” are much more acceptable because they do not attack the self-worth of your partner while at the same time they do bring up the issues of conflict.
You get the picture. But the third example is that of PEACE MAKING. This is the only response that will resolve an issue because it requires both parties to acknowledge that something is wrong. Both people will have an opportunity to express their side of the story and then each person will be able to look at the situation from another perspective.
So if your partner criticizes you and you had some history with a critical parent or older brother or sister or teacher, your Old Brain may react emotionally and reactively as though you were once again living with and dealing with that old critic. This can happen even when you consciously know that your partner is different than the old critic and you are now an adult, not a child.
The shock shouldn’t be that you experience any conflict, but rather that you actually get along!. Why Couples Argue?, The primary reason couples have disagreements and/or arguments is that living together forces people to face their differences – differences that can become sources of irritation – if not outright contention – over time.
Nobody ever said being married was going to be easy. In fact, marriage can be quite a challenge from day one. It is obvious that the minds of two people in love, are not capable of thinking rationally. For the most part, they are dreamers. And because their thinking is clouded by this thing called love, they get married. Shortly after the marriage, reality sets in.
Even if couples remain in a co-existing position on an issue, they can still have a strong marriage. Conflict in marriage is inevitable. The successful handling of conflict involves a healthy and balanced mix of the skills of compromise, capitulation and co-existing. No matter how you hang the toilet paper.
And, very importantly, must do it in a respectful way. In premarital counseling, I often say to couples, if something is bothering you in your marriage, you need to say something about it to your mate. Go ahead and complain. When you do, you’re being honest with your mate.
The Good News, The good news is that brain physiology also explains how and why marriage is the best and most powerful and most effective place for healing to happen. If your partner gives you now what you needed as a child or teenager and did not get, if your partner gives you now what you needed when you were hurt as a child and didn’t get enough of, your Old Brain does not say, “Sorry, it’s too late.
There are two popular replies for this question. However, one of them is merely “a nice thing to say,” while the other has highly practical plus realistic value for individuals who find themselves in the throws of marital confusion and discord.
That’s not codependency, it’s cooperation. Co-exist, “There’s only you and me and we just disagree.” – Dave Mason. There are times in marriage where each spouse feels strongly enough about their beliefs or position that they can not move or come to the other person’s side. There are certainly some issues in marriage where this could signal the end of the relationship.