Marriage appears wonderfully endearing to the single person who has by no means married, and probably to the divorced particular person who hankers for some thing to arrest their longing for companionship or sexual release, but marriage for almost all of us is really a difficult operate at times. (And I can say this even as a representative of my wife!). We carry so much of ourselves into our marriages – which is each a excellent and a bad factor.
We bring in expectations of becoming ‘met’ by our partners: that they will satisfy us sexually, not spend also much money, not seek to manage us, that they will want to invest time with us. We also deliver in expectations of what our partners should deliver to us: their virtues of diligence and moderation and sanctity and kindness – to identify just 4. We are disappointed when they don’t measure up to our previously unconscious expectations – that have now grow to be conscious due to our encroaching annoyance.
Relationship Problems Emotional Abuse
Nikki told me during a marriage conflict intervention, “The person my husband Mike now calls a “bitch” was never like that ten years ago.” “How would you describe the Nikki of ten years ago?” I asked her. “Sweet, pleasant, romantic, willing to go the extra mile, considerate and kind,” she said.
Whenever, he was really frustrated, he would just disappear. He really knew how to hide as a way of protecting. The Old Brain knows how to fight. How do you fight? Argue, yell, out reason, withhold affection, refuse to talk, get passive aggressive, blame, accuse, criticize, etc, etc, etc.
Before two people in love decide to become legally bound in matrimony, and take the vows that are supposed to last until death do you part, some “In depth” planning must be done. A marriage is like a business, and every business starts with a business plan. The same type of plan needs to be made for a marriage.
“You can’t, you might as well give up now!”, remember, keep asking yourself empowering questions, and if you find yourself asking dis-empowering questions, make it a habit to ask three empowering questions in return and in no time, you’ll be setting yourself for success.
You and your spouse don’t meet the person who charmed each other’s friends, bought gifts for each other’s parents, and always smiled from ear to ear. This is usually the way we display ourselves when relating to others specially if we have “fallen in love.” It doesn’t mean we trick a person into believing something that is not true!.
A great marriage is a gift. The gift needs to be nurtured and cared for to survive and thrive. Growing closer through conflict is an opportunity. Grasp it and continue to grow with your partner. Seek the knowledge of those who can help you move in the right direction, especially when you feel you are alone in your efforts.
Difficulties In Love Marriage
When you factor in, new experiences, change of perceptions, hormonal changes and repeated emotional injuries through the years you begin to realize that character is all you have to keep a marriage sound and healthy.
The following are some of the most common relational aspects that serve as catalysts to stir up the fires of conflict. Money – This is clearly a necessity that is not limitless. Not having enough cash – or not agreeing on how to budget your finances is the single most common topic of marital strife.
This partly explains why suddenly with our life partner, we can feel an intensity of feeling powerless, fearful, helpless even though we intellectually know we are not powerless and helpless. The “Timeless” Old Brain The second thing that is important to know about the Old Brain is that is has no concept of time. It knows nothing about years, decades, and schedules. It lives in the “eternal now.”
Think about the good times in your marriage and those times when the marriage were able to survive the difficult trials. If you have survived the previous conflicts in your marriage, you can also survive your current problems in your marriage.
Many times, when the uncooperative spouse sees the effort and change in the other partner, they come around to begin working alongside to restore the relationship. Now, let say you don’t complain. What happens?.
So if your partner criticizes you and you had some history with a critical parent or older brother or sister or teacher, your Old Brain may react emotionally and reactively as though you were once again living with and dealing with that old critic. This can happen even when you consciously know that your partner is different than the old critic and you are now an adult, not a child.
Finally, the Old Brain knows how to submit. Submitting, interestingly, can be a protective strategy. When a wolf challenges the head of the wolf pack for leadership, there is a terrific fight. Eventually, the losing wolf will roll over on his back an expose his neck to the conquering wolf. The conquering wolf will place his jaws around the submitting wolf’s neck, but won’t kill it.
Marriage conflict is par for the course but does not have to end in divorce. Conflict can be transformed into harmony if you are willing to find new solutions to problems. Admit when you are wrong and apologize. Most of us refuse to believe we have done anything wrong when the finger gets pointed at us.
In this series of articles, I’d like to share with you principles for handling any conflict. Here’s the first principle for dealing with any conflict. You’ve got to be honest with each other in a marriage.
One of the main areas a therapist can help a couple is in developing healthy and effective communication skills. It’s no secret that many problems in a relationship can be traced to communication issues. Teaching a couple to communicate effectively is one of the ways a marriage counselor can help.
Words alone will not build your marriage. Your actions must show how serious you are about staying in the relationship and whether you are really serious in making a commitment to change and build your marriage.
We talked to each other, found out what bothers us, what could we do to make things better. Also we were not afraid to seek a professional help. We didn’t want to give up on our marriage, we decided to fight for it, we took action and we saw results. It’s plain simple – no action, no results. Don’t just sulk about your problems, get up and do something about it.
Unrealistic Presumptions: A number of young people believe marriage to be a state of permanent happiness. They are however let down in frustration and disappointment early in the marriages when they discover otherwise.
Many people would rather choose to be with “someone” else (back to “personality love”) than to remain with their spouse and face the true character of their spouses and their own! (Did you get that?). Marriage requires “character love.”
However, in many circumstances, couples can simply agree to disagree, and move on. They learn to “co-exist” on the issue in question. I know of many couples who have taken this route on various issues and continue to have very strong marriages. What can happen over time, after being given the room to each have their opinion, spouses are able to move into compromise.
Speak about what actually happened, who did what, what was said by whom and when, how you felt when it happened and how your partner’s words or actions affected you.
It is often heard that adopting an attitude of hope is almost impossible in the midst of the chaos of marriage problems and the heartache associated with it. If you feel that you are faced with this challenge, consider asking yourself a more empowering question, such as: “How can I adopt an attitude of hope regardless of the problems I am currently experiencing?”.