Marriage would seem wonderfully endearing to the single man or woman who has never ever married, and probably to the divorced particular person who hankers for anything to arrest their longing for companionship or sexual release, but marriage for almost all of us is fairly a hard perform at occasions. (And I can say this even as a representative of my wife!). We carry so much of ourselves into our marriages – which is each a very good and a undesirable issue.
We deliver in expectations of currently being ‘met’ by our partners: that they will satisfy us sexually, not spend too a lot income, not look for to manage us, that they will want to invest time with us. We also bring in expectations of what our partners should bring to us: their virtues of diligence and moderation and sanctity and kindness – to identify just 4. We are disappointed when they don’t measure up to our previously unconscious expectations – that have now become aware due to our encroaching annoyance.
Relationship Problems Emotional Abuse
Many people see conflict as something to avoid at all costs. Others are constantly engaging in conflict because they feel they must look out for number one and don’t know how to resolve conflict without a full blown battle. Sometimes, depending on the situation, you may avoid a fight; while at other times, you attack before you even have time to think about it.
The shock shouldn’t be that you experience any conflict, but rather that you actually get along!. Why Couples Argue?, The primary reason couples have disagreements and/or arguments is that living together forces people to face their differences – differences that can become sources of irritation – if not outright contention – over time.
There are usually two types of responses to conflict, fight or flight. But a third response is possible and it is the only proper response to bring resolution to your problems. I’ll talk about FIGHT first.
Find solutions where both people get what they want. Compromise can leave people foaming at the mouth because it can mean that they have to sacrifice what they want to accommodate their partner. Be willing to think outside the box and find new ways forward to accommodate each partner’s wishes.
In the best of all possible worlds, we would be well prepared for handling conflict before we get married. My experience in my office tells me that is just not the case for most couples. Part of the reason for this is there is just so much in a marriage relationship that can cause conflict. I’ve written before about what’s called the Big Six, the six main areas of conflict in marriage.
Granted, yes, there are one or two such individuals; yet, the majority of couples hit by marital discord ask themselves individually, “How did I fall so far away from saving my marriage?” It is time now to consider the TRUE and REAL hands-on technique for solving spousal relationship ramifications.
Stop Divorce Prayers
Chances are that you know at least one person that is divorced. The average person knows at least three people who have been divorced. Yes, the numbers of failed marriages are staggering. Divorce percentage has increased over the years never to go down again. Why can’t people seem to be able to stay married anymore? Are you in need of a cure to marriage conflicts?.
Divorce is emotionally traumatic for some people and it had been compared to dealing with death by some people who have gone through a divorce. It can also be very challenging for the emotional well being of children, even if it’s what we call an amicable divorce. The separation will still be there, and the child will still lose one of his parents “full-time” so to speak.
They get married too soon, and too fast. Be it for love and romance, or for the sake of a baby that’s on the way, or two kids just looking for a way to get out of their parents house, improper planning is one of the root causes of marital conflict.
Of course, I jumped to the occasion and asked the obvious question… “Who is Nikki? The one your husband Mike met 10 years ago or the Nikki he sees now?” She soon saw the difference between personality and character. Personality, (the nice Nikki) was revealed when things were new and smooth.
Remain Steady and Strong Throughout Your Marital Ordeal. Is your relationship consultant overlooking the fact that your human nature remains subject to a little thing called “feelings?” Being rejected, hurt, misunderstood, cheated upon, or in virtually any other way, let down by your spouse remains one of the absolutely most jarring emotional experiences one can imagine.
Or “How can I turn this conflict into a success?”, you’ll find that your mind always feeds you with an answer. Remember, if you ask a dis-empowering question like this: “How I am supposed to adopt an attitude of hope in the middle of this chaos?” you’re mind will most likely tell you.
Without being unkind, simply tell your loved one that you need a chance to regroup, that you would like to just calm down or reflect on the situation before continuing the discussion with them. Choose your words carefully to diffuse the situation. Be kind, be gracious and agree to a time when you would like to continue your discussion.
The first attitude we should adopt is one of hope. Hope that it is possible, and that you can save your marriage and live a happy and loving marriage. As it is said that 80% of success begins with your psychology and 20% with what you actually do, then, to set yourself up for success, most your investment should be with your psychology and the rest should be doing the right things, and following the right advice.
Practice ahead of time using “I” words as opposed to “you” words. Avoid “you” words as it will always come across as accusatory. Using “I” statements demonstrates your ability to take personal responsibility for your own actions and words.
And I must say that was the hardest part – deciding that enough is enough, taking that first step. After that everything just snowballed down the hill (it was more like up the hill in my situation).
Usually couples value from seeing their problems are a lot like the problems other couples have. They tend to gain encouragement from experiencing not just their own immediate positive results, but also the rapid changes of the other participants.
Even in the field of psychotherapy where the goal is often to understand and gain some control in regards to emotion, this is outside our choiceful or volitional control. We can learn to manage and understand and learn from our emotions; we cannot control them directly. Our Mid-Brain (the mammalian brain) is in charge of that.
Here is one principle my wife and I have practiced ever since our courting days. Never go to bed with unresolved conflicts. Even if you have to stay up all night to talk things through, do it if it can restore peace between you both. Then you can both sleep in peace. I know it is not always possible but this is a good practice and you should work towards it as far as possible.