Marriage appears wonderfully endearing to the single individual who has in no way married, and maybe to the divorced particular person who hankers for one thing to arrest their longing for companionship or sexual release, but marriage for almost all of us is quite a tough work at occasions. (And I can say this even as a representative of my wife!). We carry so considerably of ourselves into our marriages – which is each a excellent and a bad issue.
We bring in expectations of being ‘met’ by our partners: that they will satisfy us sexually, not invest as well significantly cash, not look for to manage us, that they will want to commit time with us. We also carry in expectations of what our partners must deliver to us: their virtues of diligence and moderation and sanctity and kindness – to title just four. We are disappointed when they don’t measure up to our previously unconscious expectations – that have now turn out to be conscious due to our encroaching annoyance.
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And, very importantly, must do it in a respectful way. In premarital counseling, I often say to couples, if something is bothering you in your marriage, you need to say something about it to your mate. Go ahead and complain. When you do, you’re being honest with your mate.
Our partner can walk out of the room and we can feel a strong fear of rejection or abandonment–even though the intensity makes no sense rationally. We easily interpret our partners through the lenses of past hurts and sensitivities. The biology of the brain, which was designed to keep us alert and alive and safe, also keeps us very sensitive to our Imago Match — our husbands and wives and life partners.
Even if couples remain in a co-existing position on an issue, they can still have a strong marriage. Conflict in marriage is inevitable. The successful handling of conflict involves a healthy and balanced mix of the skills of compromise, capitulation and co-existing. No matter how you hang the toilet paper.
There are basically three key ingredients to compromise each person gives a little, each person gets as many needs met as possible, and each person works for the good of the relationship, not their own desires.
Commitment in a marriage is a choice by one or both partners. Hopefully both will agree on this and always maintain that spirit. If communication has broken down and negative behaviors have crept in to the relationship then some work will need to be done in order to revive the marriage.
You both need to discuss what makes you feel loved so that you are aware of the differences and can nurture each other. Do not make assumptions but rather ask for information. Marriage conflict does not have to turn into world war three. Armed with the above tips,you will be able to nurture a harmonious and loving partnership.
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The Big Six are the areas of communication, money, sex, children, in-laws and religion. Perhaps we should call it the Big Seven, and add the all important issue of who gets to hold the TV remote control. No kidding, I’ve actually had couples fighting over this issue. I’ve even had them fighting over the age old issue of how to hang the toilet paper roll, over or under.
I needed that 30 years ago not now” (The Old Brain does not distinguish between then and now). The Old Brain also does not say, “Sorry, wrong person. I needed that from my parents, not my partner” (The Old Brain constantly confuses parent and partner). When you get now what you needed then, the Old Brain says, “Yes, thank you.
The house is a mess, the noise is driving your wife crazy and the dinner is getting burnt. By the time you get home, your wife is seriously stressed out and is about to kill you for being so inconsiderate. What happens next is a domestic ‘World War III’.
The problem with this, is that we start making assumptions, and that gets us into trouble. We assume they are upset at us for this or that. Or perhaps we assume their bad mood is because of us. The truth of the matter is that not everything is about us, and therefore, we need to step back, and not take everything personally.
Words alone will not build your marriage. Your actions must show how serious you are about staying in the relationship and whether you are really serious in making a commitment to change and build your marriage.
What keeps people in conflict? Too often the conflict has escalated to the point that conflict is the conflict. The trigger point of the disagreement has long been forgotten and suddenly the arguments bring unhealthy elements from the past or projections of future events, neither of which have any bearing on the original underlying issue.
Here’s an example. Suppose I asked my husband to stop at the grocery store on his way home from work to pick up a few groceries. He forgets! I greet him at the door and discover him empty-handed. If fighting were my typical response, I would nag him about forgetting and accuse him of not caring about me. This would be a verbal attack, which is just one way of fighting. This is PEACE BREAKING.
Recall any event in your life that was extraordinary and exciting. Whatever it was it didn’t spontaneously happen all at once. There were more than likely a number of related events that lead to those times. Nurturing and developing a relationship to bring it to fruition, possibly failed relationships where lessons were learned that made the next one better.
The principle here is to practice honesty is a respectful way. And here’s how you can be honest with your mate & complain, and still respectful at the same time. Let’s say a wife is neglected by her husband.
Please, whatever you do, ensure that you adopt this single most effective tip to help save my marriage which is none other than adopting a positive attitude. In any relationship, and that includes marriage, conflicts can occur every now and then. Disagreements are bound to happen over a wide range of issues, whether big or small, but it’s essential that couples know how to settle their conflicts in a calm manner.
Maintaining a good marriage takes effort so why not learn more about your partner’s habits and find out how he or she copes after the conflicts. Husbands and wives have different ways of coping. Some take too long to recover as they tend to dwell on the fight while the others can recover fast and can move on with their daily routine right away.
Keep your spouse’s “Love Tank” full, You and your spouse each have a certain action which hits the hot button of your spouse in showing your love for each other. It may be a gift, praise, physical touch, quality time together, praise and edification, or others. Like a fuel tank on your car, when it is empty the car stops performing.
Tell your partner every day at least one thing you appreciate about who they are or something they have done. Make every effort to see the concerns of your partner through their eyes. Avoid dismissing their feelings and experience when you do not understand or agree. Never criticize or put down your partner in public. Nurture healthy interests outside your relationship.
This is the kind of pressure that our society is putting on married people who have issues that could still be repairable, but who might just give up. In the end, for many people, divorce is an easier solution than reconciliation. However, what if you discovered that it is really the other way around? Divorce is not as easy of a process as some would want you to believe.
A good therapist can identify specific steps you can take for your individual situation to improve the areas that are weak in your marriage and to further strengthen those that are already working.
Make a pact with your spouse. In overcoming marriage problems it is important to promise each other that you will both try your best to fix the problem in your marriage. Do whatever it takes to save the marriage and bring the relationship back on the right track.