Marriage seems wonderfully endearing to the single particular person who has in no way married, and possibly to the divorced particular person who hankers for something to arrest their longing for companionship or sexual release, but marriage for nearly all of us is very a hard perform at times. (And I can say this even as a representative of my wife!). We carry so considerably of ourselves into our marriages – which is the two a good and a negative issue.
We bring in expectations of currently being ‘met’ by our partners: that they will satisfy us sexually, not commit also much funds, not look for to control us, that they will want to spend time with us. We also bring in expectations of what our partners should deliver to us: their virtues of diligence and moderation and sanctity and kindness – to title just 4. We are disappointed when they don’t measure up to our previously unconscious expectations – that have now turn out to be conscious due to our encroaching annoyance.
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They keep it all inside and resentment builds up. Both types of reactions are wrong. It is essential to help one another respond to displeasure in the correct way which is to talk things through rationally (no losing your temper, no clamming up). Abuse and physical violence is not allowed. If things get too hot, take a break until you cool down.
Conflict will be present in even the best marriages. A couple that says they never have conflict is either in denial or they just aren’t really living. Unfortunately when couples think of conflict they will often attach negative connotations to it. A better way to understand conflict in marriage would be to look at it introspectively.
Why does marriage counseling work for some couples, and not for others? One of the main reasons that some relationships don’t benefit from professional help is that the couple waited too long to seek help.
My general advice to all couples is to give up your individual rights for the sake of your spouse. That is the first step towards personal change. When your spouse can see the changes in you, he or she will begin to change, too. Then and only then can there be any hope of saving your marriage.
Marriage conflicts can be very stressful and tend to cloud someone’s thinking. A “neutral observer” has the opportunity to see things without the confusion of the emotional turmoil that is so common in a troubled marriage.
Speak about what actually happened, who did what, what was said by whom and when, how you felt when it happened and how your partner’s words or actions affected you.
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The difference is often that in good marriages the couples have found ways to successfully work through their conflicts, while for one reason or another the bad marriages haven’t. It’s sad to me to see a couple enter into a conflict, be unable to resolve it and then decide to bail on the marriage. It’s sad because if the couple were able to work through the issue, I know that they could be stronger than before the conflict.
Make a pact with your spouse. In overcoming marriage problems it is important to promise each other that you will both try your best to fix the problem in your marriage. Do whatever it takes to save the marriage and bring the relationship back on the right track.
It is often heard that adopting an attitude of hope is almost impossible in the midst of the chaos of marriage problems and the heartache associated with it. If you feel that you are faced with this challenge, consider asking yourself a more empowering question, such as: “How can I adopt an attitude of hope regardless of the problems I am currently experiencing?”.
In the best of all possible worlds, we would be well prepared for handling conflict before we get married. My experience in my office tells me that is just not the case for most couples. Part of the reason for this is there is just so much in a marriage relationship that can cause conflict. I’ve written before about what’s called the Big Six, the six main areas of conflict in marriage.
You expect your spouse to act or speak a certain way or do something for you or give you what you want or know what to do without you saying it or understand how you feel etc. Let me give you some everyday examples. Suppose after work, you go somewhere with your office colleagues instead of going straight home. You hang out at a favorite place and have a good time.
Marriage renewal and individual character development go hand-in-hand. You can not have a successful marriage without character. Character is what keeps a marriage together through the seasons of conflict and bitter disappointments.
It is quite possible that one spouse may be completely uncooperative at that time and which is precisely when one has to take full charge of the situation and ensure that things are completely in control.
Where do you go from here? Every attempt at conversation seems to launch in to another round of arguments. Take a deep breath and take a step back from the situation. If you find yourself in a heated discussion or a knock down drag out fight, it’s OK to ask for a time out.
Learn to take responsibility and apologize when you have done something that has upset your partner even if you cannot understand why, as this assures them that you care about their feelings. Later on you can get to the bottom of things in order to find a way forward so that this does not occur again.
Marriage is not an easy undertaking, that’s why marriage conflict arises at times. But if you have truly found the right mate for you, it will make your time together more desirable and less marriage conflict will arise. So many people will wonder how do you know it’s the right person.
Not long ago a mother confided in me (after a number of conversations) that after 32 years of marriage she was actually flipping because she was comparing her daughter’s marriage with hers and she saw her daughter happier than she had herself ever been. She was actually contemplating divorce to find someone that would provide her with what she thought was missing in her life.
For a marriage to work you need to spend time and attention on it. It is no different to running a business or growing plants; they all require nurturing to blossom and grow. Reassure your partner that you love them daily. Some people get married and think that their partner knows that they love them so why should they have to say it. It shows your partner that you still care about them.
Well, people only knew a “personality” not the “character” of that person. Character in the end is the constellation of enduring traits that are manifested in the ways that an individual reacts to the extreme challenges of life. When you and your spouse met, you met each other’s personalities. You showed to the other person the most brilliant side of you or your public persona.