Marriage seems wonderfully endearing to the single individual who has never married, and possibly to the divorced individual who hankers for one thing to arrest their longing for companionship or sexual release, but marriage for nearly all of us is quite a tough operate at occasions. (And I can say this even as a representative of my wife!). We carry so much of ourselves into our marriages – which is both a good and a undesirable thing.
We deliver in expectations of being ‘met’ by our partners: that they will satisfy us sexually, not devote also a lot cash, not seek to management us, that they will want to commit time with us. We also carry in expectations of what our partners ought to bring to us: their virtues of diligence and moderation and sanctity and kindness – to identify just four. We are disappointed when they don’t measure up to our previously unconscious expectations – that have now become aware due to our encroaching annoyance.
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For many of us, dealing with conflict in our marriage is not something we handle very well, especially with all the unsolicited advice we get from friends and family that leave you feeling alone and unsure what to do to save your marriage.
He will emotionally withdraw from me in return, and in time, with several small “incidents” between us, we begin to complain to others, spend more time alone, or worse yet, start spending time with a person of the opposite sex that seems to “understand” us so much better.
You’re sure to go through many problems in those years, and how you handle those as a couple can show if you will make a good couple in marriage. Obviously if you fight about those problems and feel like you don’t want to be together, don’t get married. It seems like a simple idea, but one that isn’t taken to heart by many people very often.
And I must say that was the hardest part – deciding that enough is enough, taking that first step. After that everything just snowballed down the hill (it was more like up the hill in my situation).
Not to leave you blinded or confused in any way by this powerful suggestion… the realistic challenge you are most likely to face is that YOU ALONE may be the fortunate follower of such smartly soothing companionship advice.
And they lived happily ever after, Yeah right. Perhaps I’m a little bit jaded, since I work all day with couples in conflict. On the other hand, conflict comes to even the healthiest of marriages. It’s just that we seem so unprepared for how to handle conflict. We know in our heads that “happily ever after” is true only in stories and fairly tales, yet in our hearts we long for it to be true.
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Jealousy, Most people would agree that a certain amount of jealousy can add passion and sizzle to a relationship – after all who wants an indifferent spouse? However, too much jealousy (or irrational or “controlling” jealousy) can cause major conflicts in your marriage if it gets to the point that one spouse begins to feel alienated or that one’s partner simply mistrusts the other.
In the best of all possible worlds, we would be well prepared for handling conflict before we get married. My experience in my office tells me that is just not the case for most couples. Part of the reason for this is there is just so much in a marriage relationship that can cause conflict. I’ve written before about what’s called the Big Six, the six main areas of conflict in marriage.
It is helpful if this specialist offers both counseling and psycho-education services, or will refer you to workshops if that is what you need. Together, with a counselor, you can choose which service or combination of services is right for you. Are you ready to make some changes today towards a healthy, successful relationship? Here are four tips you can start using now.
Do you wish your marriage felt better to you? Do you have some minor relationship problems you would like to fix? Or maybe you have some problems that feel huge and you are tired of them. Either way, you want less pain and more pleasure in your marriage.
The Mid-Brain (The Mammalian Brain), The second brain, like it or not, is similar to mammals. This is the part of our brain that mediates or controls emotion. We generally do not think of snakes or lizards as having emotion, but mammals (dogs, cats, etc.) experience what we call emotion. They can be afraid, angry, loving, happy, etc. Humans have a wide and rich range of emotion.
My general advice to all couples is to give up your individual rights for the sake of your spouse. That is the first step towards personal change. When your spouse can see the changes in you, he or she will begin to change, too. Then and only then can there be any hope of saving your marriage.
Divorce is emotionally traumatic for some people and it had been compared to dealing with death by some people who have gone through a divorce. It can also be very challenging for the emotional well being of children, even if it’s what we call an amicable divorce. The separation will still be there, and the child will still lose one of his parents “full-time” so to speak.
Finally, the Old Brain knows how to submit. Submitting, interestingly, can be a protective strategy. When a wolf challenges the head of the wolf pack for leadership, there is a terrific fight. Eventually, the losing wolf will roll over on his back an expose his neck to the conquering wolf. The conquering wolf will place his jaws around the submitting wolf’s neck, but won’t kill it.
Usually couples value from seeing their problems are a lot like the problems other couples have. They tend to gain encouragement from experiencing not just their own immediate positive results, but also the rapid changes of the other participants.
Nobody ever said being married was going to be easy. In fact, marriage can be quite a challenge from day one. It is obvious that the minds of two people in love, are not capable of thinking rationally. For the most part, they are dreamers. And because their thinking is clouded by this thing called love, they get married. Shortly after the marriage, reality sets in.
Personality is your public persona. Personality is how people experience you when they meet you, when they interact with you. Personality is the part of you that “falls in love.” Personality is the impressive side of you. Character is who you really are; it’s the core of you. Character is the person you are when no one is watching.
The Good News, The good news is that brain physiology also explains how and why marriage is the best and most powerful and most effective place for healing to happen. If your partner gives you now what you needed as a child or teenager and did not get, if your partner gives you now what you needed when you were hurt as a child and didn’t get enough of, your Old Brain does not say, “Sorry, it’s too late.
If nothing works, it is better to look for an opinion where you feel more comfortable and secure. Saving your marriage requires efforts from both sides, not just from one partner. If the other spouse does not show any effort or interest in building up the relationship, it would become harder to do so.
However, brace yourself for a shocking surprise, hopefully which will be a pleasant one for you. Typical recommendations and suggestions for the “how do I go about saving my marriage” query includes nice-sounding replies like.
The Old Brain knows how to mate. The sexual response occurs primarily in a place of safety. The Old Brain knows how to play. The Old Brain knows how to nurture and be affectionate. The Old Brain knows how to work and be creative. The Old Brain knows how to sleep and rest and relax. Every week hundreds of couples go into a therapist’s office and share some version of the following.
You expect your spouse to act or speak a certain way or do something for you or give you what you want or know what to do without you saying it or understand how you feel etc. Let me give you some everyday examples. Suppose after work, you go somewhere with your office colleagues instead of going straight home. You hang out at a favorite place and have a good time.
They can’t figure out what to do differently. Most of the time people don’t know how to successfully communicate and productively solve problems together. This is one reason why 75% of all new marriages end up either in separation or divorce, or unhappily staying wed.