Marriage appears wonderfully endearing to the single individual who has in no way married, and probably to the divorced man or woman who hankers for something to arrest their longing for companionship or sexual release, but marriage for nearly all of us is quite a tough perform at times. (And I can say this even as a representative of my wife!). We carry so much of ourselves into our marriages – which is both a great and a undesirable thing.
We bring in expectations of getting ‘met’ by our partners: that they will satisfy us sexually, not devote also considerably cash, not seek to control us, that they will want to devote time with us. We also bring in expectations of what our partners should carry to us: their virtues of diligence and moderation and sanctity and kindness – to name just 4. We are disappointed when they don’t measure up to our previously unconscious expectations – that have now grow to be aware due to our encroaching annoyance.
Lord Help Me Save My Marriage
Whenever, he was really frustrated, he would just disappear. He really knew how to hide as a way of protecting. The Old Brain knows how to fight. How do you fight? Argue, yell, out reason, withhold affection, refuse to talk, get passive aggressive, blame, accuse, criticize, etc, etc, etc.
This act of submission saves the wolf’s life and the wolf pack remains intact. We suspect that the reason many people stay in dangerously abusive marriages is this “old brain’s” impulse to submit as a way of surviving. The Old Brain and Safety, When the old brain perceives safety, the parasympathetic system takes over and in safety the old brain knows how to do five things.
What keeps people in conflict? Too often the conflict has escalated to the point that conflict is the conflict. The trigger point of the disagreement has long been forgotten and suddenly the arguments bring unhealthy elements from the past or projections of future events, neither of which have any bearing on the original underlying issue.
Look carefully at your role in the conflict. So often we will convince ourselves that it is the other person’s fault. We console and justify to ourselves that the conflict is 90 percent “their” fault. Begin by taking responsibility for the 10 percent of fault that is yours.
Not talking, refusing to share or self-disclose, lying, keeping secrets. When I was in graduate school, one of my professors told of an architect who build a secret room in his home and did not tell his wife about it.
There are basically three key ingredients to compromise each person gives a little, each person gets as many needs met as possible, and each person works for the good of the relationship, not their own desires.
Stop Divorce Prayers
A good therapist can identify specific steps you can take for your individual situation to improve the areas that are weak in your marriage and to further strengthen those that are already working.
When you factor in, new experiences, change of perceptions, hormonal changes and repeated emotional injuries through the years you begin to realize that character is all you have to keep a marriage sound and healthy.
God may be saying in the field of the irresolvable issues of marriage – “How crucial is this expectation?” And, “Can you let it go?”. Numerous of our expectations may be founded on anything properly ridiculous, unachievable or unsustainable – and in that, it’s up to us to change. This can be a quite hard word – but it could be nevertheless truthful. And, in this existing day, as it is eternally, the reality does set us free of charge.
You would not consciously think and choose to do these things; they would all immediately and automatically happen because the hindbrain kicked into activity and went to work to make sure you survive.
It is the part of our brain that makes us distinctively and uniquely human. Some animals and perhaps porpoises have rudimentary cortexes’, but the human cortex is far superior. It would be nice if the cortex controlled our lives and our marriages, but alas and alack, that unfortunately rarely happens in the real world. Most marriages are run on reptilian and mammalian energy.
But marriage lasts too long, the encounters become constant, and in close quarters for anyone to sustain a public persona. Personalities eventually give way to an INNER SELF which is much deeper and stronger.
Is your relationship or marriage on the rocks? Is your job adding stress to your life? Do you miss the times when you came home after a good day at work and you embraced your spouse with childish enthusiasm? Do you want to feel that excitement and joy again with your partner? You can.
The media often times paints a grim picture through the many tragic divorce cases it brings to our awareness and the sense that once the divorce word comes into place, there is no way around it. On the other hand, the media paints a different picture of romance and love, more often telling stories of fantasy love that rarely happen in real life.
Listen carefully to their response, restate it to them to be certain you both are hearing things the way they were intended. Ask for their feedback on your statements to be certain they understand what you are saying.
The greatest gift in a marriage is commitment and an ability to understand conflict in marriage. Commitment is the glue that holds a marriage together, understanding conflict is the first step to overcome negative behaviors.
This puts a huge strain on your relationship. If this keeps up, you will be faced with a disaster in your marriage. Again, how did that conflict begin?. It started with the unfulfilled expectation of your husband towards you. When one spouse expects something of the other and that expectation is not met, miscommunication occurs.
There should be a study done with couples who waited to marry for say three years and see if the rate of divorce is better. It would be interesting to see if this would help out as much as it seems like it should.
Conflict will be present in even the best marriages. A couple that says they never have conflict is either in denial or they just aren’t really living. Unfortunately when couples think of conflict they will often attach negative connotations to it. A better way to understand conflict in marriage would be to look at it introspectively.
They can’t figure out what to do differently. Most of the time people don’t know how to successfully communicate and productively solve problems together. This is one reason why 75% of all new marriages end up either in separation or divorce, or unhappily staying wed.
The Old Brain knows how to mate. The sexual response occurs primarily in a place of safety. The Old Brain knows how to play. The Old Brain knows how to nurture and be affectionate. The Old Brain knows how to work and be creative. The Old Brain knows how to sleep and rest and relax. Every week hundreds of couples go into a therapist’s office and share some version of the following.
Fidelity: Unfaithfulness in marriage is one of the reasons why most marriages fail. It only takes a unique person to forgive and forget when it comes to extra marital affairs. The true character of that person is simply showing up for the first time.
If it was the divorce rates would be much lower, in fact for first time marriages in Canada and the US, 50% will end in divorce. While on the other side of the world Japan only shows a 27% divorce rate? Why is it so different? What do they do differently? Yes the cultures are completely opposite, but how can it have such a huge effect?.
Take some things personally. Sometimes you do need to hear what your spouse has to say. Don’t ignore important feedback your spouse is giving you. Honor Your Commitment – For the majority of us, when we got married, we took vows that said we would stay together through thick and thin, good times and bad, sickness and health, for richer or poorer….and we meant them.