Marriage would seem wonderfully endearing to the single person who has in no way married, and perhaps to the divorced individual who hankers for something to arrest their longing for companionship or sexual release, but marriage for almost all of us is very a hard operate at times. (And I can say this even as a representative of my wife!). We carry so much of ourselves into our marriages – which is each a very good and a negative point.
We carry in expectations of becoming ‘met’ by our partners: that they will satisfy us sexually, not spend as well a lot funds, not seek to control us, that they will want to spend time with us. We also bring in expectations of what our partners ought to carry to us: their virtues of diligence and moderation and sanctity and kindness – to identify just four. We are disappointed when they don’t measure up to our previously unconscious expectations – that have now become conscious due to our encroaching annoyance.
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Their spouse is a mirror reflecting their true CHARACTER. And most people don’t like what they see. Divorce is often found in the backrooms of our characters and the utter dislike of our characters.
Think about the good times in your marriage and those times when the marriage were able to survive the difficult trials. If you have survived the previous conflicts in your marriage, you can also survive your current problems in your marriage.
Our education for learning how to communicate and handle relationship problems usually comes from watching our parents. We copy what they do. If our parents did not show us healthy skills for communicating and resolving conflict, we need to look somewhere else to learn these skills for success in our marriages.
And I must say that was the hardest part – deciding that enough is enough, taking that first step. After that everything just snowballed down the hill (it was more like up the hill in my situation).
It’s important to not leave the time open ended as that can lead to expectations. Expectations should always be avoided as they will typically end in disappointment.
The house is a mess, the noise is driving your wife crazy and the dinner is getting burnt. By the time you get home, your wife is seriously stressed out and is about to kill you for being so inconsiderate. What happens next is a domestic ‘World War III’.
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When offended, a person may yell, curse, throw things, hit, or any number of reactions that express anger in a violent way. These actions may be strictly verbal, physical, or both. This is PEACE BREAKING.
When you don’t know how to communicate and solve problems as a couple and you have children, they are unable to learn these skills from you. In turn, they grow up not knowing how to have healthy relationships. The result is an inter-generational problem: kids grow up having the same relationship struggles their parents have.
You’re sure to go through many problems in those years, and how you handle those as a couple can show if you will make a good couple in marriage. Obviously if you fight about those problems and feel like you don’t want to be together, don’t get married. It seems like a simple idea, but one that isn’t taken to heart by many people very often.
Many people see conflict as something to avoid at all costs. Others are constantly engaging in conflict because they feel they must look out for number one and don’t know how to resolve conflict without a full blown battle. Sometimes, depending on the situation, you may avoid a fight; while at other times, you attack before you even have time to think about it.
The problem with this, is that we start making assumptions, and that gets us into trouble. We assume they are upset at us for this or that. Or perhaps we assume their bad mood is because of us. The truth of the matter is that not everything is about us, and therefore, we need to step back, and not take everything personally.
Personality is your public persona. Personality is how people experience you when they meet you, when they interact with you. Personality is the part of you that “falls in love.” Personality is the impressive side of you. Character is who you really are; it’s the core of you. Character is the person you are when no one is watching.
Commitment is the thing that will keep your marriage together. It is a choice that you make with your mind, not a feeling that you follow with your heart. Threatening to leave or get a divorce will do nothing more than erode the foundation of commitment. It means you can change the rules at any time, and that breeds insecurity, and fear, which in turn, will only wreak havoc on your marriage.
Three Brains and a Partner, One of the most important aspects of the human experience that couples are wise to fully understand is how brain physiology impacts intimate, committed relationships. I see this as a core piece of information that will help you make sense out of what is often both distressing and confusing to married people.
There should be a study done with couples who waited to marry for say three years and see if the rate of divorce is better. It would be interesting to see if this would help out as much as it seems like it should.
So where can you go to learn these skills? Both marriage counseling and relationship psychoeducation for couples have demonstrated effectiveness. Successful approaches include, learning proven skills for communication and confiding effectively, resolving misunderstanding and conflict productively, healing old relationship wounds permanently and increasing intimacy successfully.
There are basically three key ingredients to compromise each person gives a little, each person gets as many needs met as possible, and each person works for the good of the relationship, not their own desires.
Likewise, you and your spouse each have a “love tank”, and when it is empty, the marriage stops performing. It is therefore imperative to be sure your spouse’s love tank is always full. Keep the romance alive.
God may possibly be saying in the area of the irresolvable issues of marriage – “How essential is this expectation?” And, “Can you allow it go?”. Numerous of our expectations may be founded on anything perfectly ridiculous, unachievable or unsustainable – and in that, it’s up to us to alter. This can be a really hard word – but it could be nevertheless truthful. And, in this present day, as it is eternally, the reality does set us free.
To be a good partner, you must listen to your partner and be willing to make an attempt to understand his or her point of view. You must keep cool and not argue and take everything your partner says into consideration. You should also calmly and lovingly express your own needs and desires. Through open communication, you can save a marriage and even make it happier than before.
Does what’s bothering you just go away? Usually not. Were not talking about minor things here. If something is really bothering you, it’s not going away. It festers. It grows. It gnaws at you. And then someday when you’re really tired and fed up with everybody, you let your mate have it. You finally tell them what’s been bothering you. But it comes out in a way that damages the marriage.
There are two popular replies for this question. However, one of them is merely “a nice thing to say,” while the other has highly practical plus realistic value for individuals who find themselves in the throws of marital confusion and discord.
When the time comes to continue the discussion it always helps to lovingly remind them that during your time of reflection, you realized how grateful you are for them, for your relationship, whatever it is that you value about them. This paves the way for heartfelt discussions.