Marriage would seem wonderfully endearing to the single person who has never married, and perhaps to the divorced individual who hankers for anything to arrest their longing for companionship or sexual release, but marriage for almost all of us is quite a hard operate at occasions. (And I can say this even as a representative of my wife!). We carry so considerably of ourselves into our marriages – which is the two a great and a poor point.
We carry in expectations of getting ‘met’ by our partners: that they will satisfy us sexually, not commit as well significantly money, not seek out to handle us, that they will want to spend time with us. We also carry in expectations of what our partners need to bring to us: their virtues of diligence and moderation and sanctity and kindness – to name just four. We are disappointed when they don’t measure up to our previously unconscious expectations – that have now turn into conscious due to our encroaching annoyance.
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One thing almost no one knows about saving a marriage, is that conflict is good for your relationship. The one lesson I wish I had learned years ago is that conflict is an opportunity. It is one of the few ways to resolve differences, change people’s hearts rather than their circumstances, and bring two people closer together than they were before.
Well, people only knew a “personality” not the “character” of that person. Character in the end is the constellation of enduring traits that are manifested in the ways that an individual reacts to the extreme challenges of life. When you and your spouse met, you met each other’s personalities. You showed to the other person the most brilliant side of you or your public persona.
His/her character could be the nasty, darkest, most competitive, vengeful part of that person and you never saw it fully displayed until a crisis evolved. Love making, kissing, tenderness, kindness and all the good gestures before the crisis where part of his/her personality. The crisis is, perhaps, the first time when your spouse stands truly, emotionally naked, in front of you for the first time.
You and your spouse don’t meet the person who charmed each other’s friends, bought gifts for each other’s parents, and always smiled from ear to ear. This is usually the way we display ourselves when relating to others specially if we have “fallen in love.” It doesn’t mean we trick a person into believing something that is not true!.
Another step you can take is to always find a way to resolve your conflicts. If you and your spouse allow yourselves to get affected by your fights and don’t talk it out to settle the issues, there’s a possibility that you will end up avoiding each other leading to estrangement. You don’t want that to happen, would you? So make a commitment together with your partner to solve your problems as soon as possible.
Too many spouses in a marriage demand their rights. And when these rights are not given, they get angry and continue to demand to have things their own way. Here is what I advise couples in general.
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I needed that 30 years ago not now” (The Old Brain does not distinguish between then and now). The Old Brain also does not say, “Sorry, wrong person. I needed that from my parents, not my partner” (The Old Brain constantly confuses parent and partner). When you get now what you needed then, the Old Brain says, “Yes, thank you.
What are the root causes of conflicts, tensions, arguments, misunderstandings, fights and the like between couples? Whatever causes you can think of, they all boil down to only one thing – Unfulfilled Expectations. Why do I say that? Let me explain.
Without being unkind, simply tell your loved one that you need a chance to regroup, that you would like to just calm down or reflect on the situation before continuing the discussion with them. Choose your words carefully to diffuse the situation. Be kind, be gracious and agree to a time when you would like to continue your discussion.
If your relationship with your spouse on the rocks and you’re considering therapy, you might be wondering if it will really help. That’s a fair question. Does marriage counseling work for everyone? Of course not, but it may help you, especially if you don’t wait too long.
God might be saying in the area of the irresolvable concerns of marriage – “How important is this expectation?” And, “Can you let it go?”. A lot of of our expectations may be founded on some thing perfectly ridiculous, unachievable or unsustainable – and in that, it’s up to us to modify. This can be a extremely difficult word – but it could be nonetheless truthful. And, in this present day, as it is eternally, the reality does set us cost-free.
An Important Key Is?, This all-important key to saving your marriage is to discern all areas of unfulfilled expectations that each of you have towards the other. Open the channels of communication. Talk it through, express you thoughts and feelings towards each other. Ask one another what each expects of the other in any given area of your marriage.
Sex, You knew it had to be in the list. The lack of sex can result in a lot of contention for married couples. The fact is that sexual preferences are a very personal thing, and many people find that they are simply not as sexually interested as they perhaps assumed prior to marriage. Others unfortunately use the withholding of sex as a weapon against their mate – and this is ugly.
Practice ahead of time using “I” words as opposed to “you” words. Avoid “you” words as it will always come across as accusatory. Using “I” statements demonstrates your ability to take personal responsibility for your own actions and words.
If it was the divorce rates would be much lower, in fact for first time marriages in Canada and the US, 50% will end in divorce. While on the other side of the world Japan only shows a 27% divorce rate? Why is it so different? What do they do differently? Yes the cultures are completely opposite, but how can it have such a huge effect?.
Tell your partner every day at least one thing you appreciate about who they are or something they have done. Make every effort to see the concerns of your partner through their eyes. Avoid dismissing their feelings and experience when you do not understand or agree. Never criticize or put down your partner in public. Nurture healthy interests outside your relationship.
When you can disagree without insisting on getting your own way and give consideration to the other person’s feelings, you’ll be on the path of a peacemaker!. If saving a marriage is your goal, use your differences as the springboard to peacemaking.
Build up your self esteem and self image, Your reality is based on what you think, and what you think about yourself as a unique and valuable human being will impact how you interact with your spouse.
Thus, be humble, swallow your pride and be willing to make compromises and adjustments for the sake of saving your marriage. I would like to share some very essential tips for good conflict resolution.
The following are some of the most common relational aspects that serve as catalysts to stir up the fires of conflict. Money – This is clearly a necessity that is not limitless. Not having enough cash – or not agreeing on how to budget your finances is the single most common topic of marital strife.
Giving up on your marriage should not be an option, inf act if you work towards it, following a good guidance then you can effectively turn that your marriage that was on the verge of hitting the rocks to the one you only previously dreamed of, a marriage filled with bliss.
Our education for learning how to communicate and handle relationship problems usually comes from watching our parents. We copy what they do. If our parents did not show us healthy skills for communicating and resolving conflict, we need to look somewhere else to learn these skills for success in our marriages.
When conflicts or problems are making the marriage difficult, couples should not ignore this situation because things may get worse if the issues are not handled properly. A successful marriage needs a lot of work and couples should know the best ways of overcoming marriage problems. Here are some tips in solving marriage conflicts.
Do you want some free advice to save your marriage? Take it from me. I have counseled countless couples whose marriages were on the rocks. The big picture is that to save your marriage YOU must change first before expecting your spouse to change.