Marriage looks wonderfully endearing to the single individual who has never ever married, and probably to the divorced man or woman who hankers for one thing to arrest their longing for companionship or sexual release, but marriage for nearly all of us is fairly a hard function at instances. (And I can say this even as a representative of my wife!). We carry so significantly of ourselves into our marriages – which is both a great and a undesirable issue.
We deliver in expectations of getting ‘met’ by our partners: that they will satisfy us sexually, not spend also significantly cash, not seek out to control us, that they will want to commit time with us. We also carry in expectations of what our partners need to carry to us: their virtues of diligence and moderation and sanctity and kindness – to title just four. We are disappointed when they don’t measure up to our previously unconscious expectations – that have now turn into aware due to our encroaching annoyance.
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As there are various causes, events, deeds or situations that can lead to marital conflicts so are there various ways, methods, tips and strategies to resolve them. Depending on the nature of the cause of the marriage conflict, you will get a strategy that best suits it as regards its proper and appropriate resolution.
Accept that nobody is perfect. Overcoming marriage problem is not easy if you and your spouse are blaming each other. Realize that nobody is perfect and people commit mistakes including your spouse. Even if you want everything to be perfect, you and your spouse will not always do the right thing. Mistakes are always part of life and how you learn or recover from those mistakes is all that matters.
You get the picture. But the third example is that of PEACE MAKING. This is the only response that will resolve an issue because it requires both parties to acknowledge that something is wrong. Both people will have an opportunity to express their side of the story and then each person will be able to look at the situation from another perspective.
It can result both to act illogically and do things that will even worsen the weak situation. It can prove a real challenge, but it is really important to make continuous endeavor to think rationally, stay calm and speak rationally.
Our education for learning how to communicate and handle relationship problems usually comes from watching our parents. We copy what they do. If our parents did not show us healthy skills for communicating and resolving conflict, we need to look somewhere else to learn these skills for success in our marriages.
Balthasar Gracian wrote in his 17th century manual on success, The Art of Worldly Wisdom, as follows: “You are as much a real person as you are deep. As with the depths of a diamond, the interior is twice as important as the surface. There are people who are all facade, like a house left unfinished when the funds run out. They have the entrance of a palace but the inner rooms of a cottage.”
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So what exactly does it mean to be loving and kind? Well at the most basic level, for a marriage that is really hurting, start by being civil with one another. Be decent, don’t yell or call names. From there you should move into being kind and loving.
Words such as, “I felt foolish when you said those things about me in front of your friends!” are much more acceptable because they do not attack the self-worth of your partner while at the same time they do bring up the issues of conflict.
Speak about what actually happened, who did what, what was said by whom and when, how you felt when it happened and how your partner’s words or actions affected you.
Where do you go from here? Every attempt at conversation seems to launch in to another round of arguments. Take a deep breath and take a step back from the situation. If you find yourself in a heated discussion or a knock down drag out fight, it’s OK to ask for a time out.
Do you want some free advice to save your marriage? Take it from me. I have counseled countless couples whose marriages were on the rocks. The big picture is that to save your marriage YOU must change first before expecting your spouse to change.
Our wives and husbands are dealing with irresolvable troubles – struggles and frustrations – just as we are – but they are just different. If we can turn toward them, releasing our expectations in faith, their release is imminent, and then so is ours. The irresolvable issues in marriage will either torment us as we hold onto our unrealistic expectations for modify, or they will release us into a new season of peace and joy.
In-laws, Couples, particularly younger couples, often encounter strife because one spouse’s parents insist on meddling in their marital lives. Many people feel torn between defending their spouse or the family members who have been there for them their entire lives. Being unable to find a balance between the two can break up a relationship over time. (This was the experience in my own upbringing, and my parents divorced over it.
When I suggested that when you consider what you will use the toilet paper for, it really doesn’t matter, it seemed to clear up the issue. Humor goes a long way in resolving conflict. Having said all that, let’s look at some specific ways to handle conflict in marriage. This is called the three C’s of conflict resolution and they stand for Compromise, Co-exist and Capitulation.
You would not consciously think and choose to do these things; they would all immediately and automatically happen because the hindbrain kicked into activity and went to work to make sure you survive.
In this series of articles, I’d like to share with you principles for handling any conflict. Here’s the first principle for dealing with any conflict. You’ve got to be honest with each other in a marriage.
Without being unkind, simply tell your loved one that you need a chance to regroup, that you would like to just calm down or reflect on the situation before continuing the discussion with them. Choose your words carefully to diffuse the situation. Be kind, be gracious and agree to a time when you would like to continue your discussion.
It is unrealistic to think that you can eliminate conflict from a relationship. A good marriage and family counselor will instead teach a couple healthy ways to resolve their conflicts without damaging their relationship.
Positive attitude. If you are feeling frustrated about how things are going in your marriage, it is important to have a positive attitude. Overcoming marriage problems is easier if you have a positive attitude.