Marriage seems wonderfully endearing to the single man or woman who has never ever married, and possibly to the divorced individual who hankers for something to arrest their longing for companionship or sexual release, but marriage for nearly all of us is very a tough work at times. (And I can say this even as a representative of my wife!). We carry so much of ourselves into our marriages – which is each a good and a bad thing.
We bring in expectations of currently being ‘met’ by our partners: that they will satisfy us sexually, not invest also much money, not look for to handle us, that they will want to commit time with us. We also deliver in expectations of what our partners must carry to us: their virtues of diligence and moderation and sanctity and kindness – to identify just four. We are disappointed when they don’t measure up to our previously unconscious expectations – that have now turn out to be aware due to our encroaching annoyance.
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Can you imagine? This woman’s true character was finally showing up at age 52! Amazing! She later admitted to deep feelings of competitiveness with her daughter since she was a teenager. Character is fundamentally crucial to the success of a marriage, the long term negotiation of differences, and marital conflict resolution in marriage.
Having a healthy marital relationship means giving up ego and being resolved to solve your particular conflicts. You have to be committed to staying together and working it out. You also have to be objective and look at your relationship as an outsider, so you can see what the real problems may be.
Be humble, ask for forgiveness and apologize when necessary. Do not try to act tough by wanting your partner to give in or apologize first. This is plain childishness. If you cannot find a solution to your conflict, ask for help. Submit yourself to a mutual friend who can be an arbitrator between the two of you.
The house is a mess, the noise is driving your wife crazy and the dinner is getting burnt. By the time you get home, your wife is seriously stressed out and is about to kill you for being so inconsiderate. What happens next is a domestic ‘World War III’.
Establish Some Good Guidelines For Your Relationship. Perhaps your adviser does do not realize that you have already done that, and the guidelines you set up for yourself are drastically deteriorated at this point in your romance. You still need to know what to do because the above answer helps only a little.
What keeps people in conflict? Too often the conflict has escalated to the point that conflict is the conflict. The trigger point of the disagreement has long been forgotten and suddenly the arguments bring unhealthy elements from the past or projections of future events, neither of which have any bearing on the original underlying issue.
Love And Relationship Advice
Marriage isn’t easy, and after the first few years of initial bliss, conflicts will inevitably arise. This is normal. But how do you know when your marriage has reached the point of being in danger? Some important clues are things like substance abuse.
It is quite possible that one spouse may be completely uncooperative at that time and which is precisely when one has to take full charge of the situation and ensure that things are completely in control.
Character, (the “capricious,” “reactive,” “demanding” woman) was showing up under stress and the reality of Mike’s true character, which was selfish and self-centered! Both of their characters, Mike and Nikki, were showing up during this time of crisis and their marriage was on the brink of divorce.
However, in many circumstances, couples can simply agree to disagree, and move on. They learn to “co-exist” on the issue in question. I know of many couples who have taken this route on various issues and continue to have very strong marriages. What can happen over time, after being given the room to each have their opinion, spouses are able to move into compromise.
Many people see conflict as something to avoid at all costs. Others are constantly engaging in conflict because they feel they must look out for number one and don’t know how to resolve conflict without a full blown battle. Sometimes, depending on the situation, you may avoid a fight; while at other times, you attack before you even have time to think about it.
Marriage conflicts can be due to lots of things, such as ego, misunderstandings, different ways of looking at things, etc. You and your spouse need to come to some kind of consensus to find a solution to what is going wrong in your relationship. If you’re both willing to work on it, and find out the real issues, it can be saved.
Our natural desire is to find a pleasurable solution, but most couples don’t know how to recover when they experience relationship problems. Usually they keep doing over and over what they know to do and it doesn’t work.
The Big Six are the areas of communication, money, sex, children, in-laws and religion. Perhaps we should call it the Big Seven, and add the all important issue of who gets to hold the TV remote control. No kidding, I’ve actually had couples fighting over this issue. I’ve even had them fighting over the age old issue of how to hang the toilet paper roll, over or under.
If either of you are too angry to discuss the issue or problem, and then postpone the discussion and set an appropriate time to get together later. Be flexible and open to other solutions than yours. Do not be rash with words. Be polite and do not attack your partner’s self image. Do not interrupt your spouse when talking. Listen.
Another step you can take is to always find a way to resolve your conflicts. If you and your spouse allow yourselves to get affected by your fights and don’t talk it out to settle the issues, there’s a possibility that you will end up avoiding each other leading to estrangement. You don’t want that to happen, would you? So make a commitment together with your partner to solve your problems as soon as possible.
Keep your spouse’s “Love Tank” full, You and your spouse each have a certain action which hits the hot button of your spouse in showing your love for each other. It may be a gift, praise, physical touch, quality time together, praise and edification, or others. Like a fuel tank on your car, when it is empty the car stops performing.
When offended, a person may yell, curse, throw things, hit, or any number of reactions that express anger in a violent way. These actions may be strictly verbal, physical, or both. This is PEACE BREAKING.
When you don’t know how to communicate and solve problems as a couple and you have children, they are unable to learn these skills from you. In turn, they grow up not knowing how to have healthy relationships. The result is an inter-generational problem: kids grow up having the same relationship struggles their parents have.
In trying to save your marriage, you may be asked to give up on a lot of things which includes but are not limited to nagging, marital fighting, inadequate or no communication at all and infidelity but if you are getting the advice from a renowned marital problem resolution counselor, you will never be advised to give up on your marriage.
I like to say that character is the “raw” self without the façade and the defense mechanisms we use to protect ourselves. Have you heard the statement: “We never though this person would do this?”.
This is the kind of pressure that our society is putting on married people who have issues that could still be repairable, but who might just give up. In the end, for many people, divorce is an easier solution than reconciliation. However, what if you discovered that it is really the other way around? Divorce is not as easy of a process as some would want you to believe.
I am not saying you should become like a puppet to your partner without a will of your own. There are certain things that cannot be compromised. For example, having an affair is not allowed and physical abuse cannot be tolerated. But in a marriage, these non-negotiable things are few. In most things a certain degree of compromise is possible and even crucial in saving your marriage.
Before two people in love decide to become legally bound in matrimony, and take the vows that are supposed to last until death do you part, some “In depth” planning must be done. A marriage is like a business, and every business starts with a business plan. The same type of plan needs to be made for a marriage.